That's kinda how I feel right now. I mean, I understood some of the things God told me to do but then there are others that I'm really not sure about. For instance, I previously worked as a Juvenile Probation Officer for approximately three years, I left for three years. Now, I'm back. Initially, this was my assignment. Fresh out of college, it was my first professional job. I loved it. I met GREAT people. :) I also learned a lot. It made me realize that my passion was in the Social Work arena. I decided to leave for better pay and direct social work. The new job lasted eight months but that's neither here nor there.
During the course of the three years when I was away from my Probation job, I was finding my way, trying to learn how to run a business (full-time). Check it out: www.creativepartydesigning.com. For the most part, I did a good job. What I didn't like was that the pay wasn't consistent. I was so consumed with getting consistent pay, I thought I was doing something wrong. I later realized that when you work for yourself, you have to put in 10x's the work you would if you were working for someone else. I was doing that BUT the money wasn't coming in the way I wanted. At one point, my condo went into foreclosure status. I still kept a smile, still paid my tithes and still told God "Thank you." I knew he had my back even though I was kinda nervous. God worked it out for me.....I kept my home and my mortgage is significantly lower than what it was.
I prayed and I prayed for a job because I got tired of not having a consistent paycheck while everyone around me was receiving just that. I mean, I made money and I was able to pay my bills but I got tired of the past due phone calls, payment arrangements and such. Soooo now I'm back at this job, consistent pay but my businesses are failing and I realize this job doesn't give two cents about me. They want the work done and that's it. My businesses are failing because I don't have the time to dedicate to them like I've had in the past. I have to focus on punching the clock for an agency that I will never reach a six figure salary because there's no room for advancement. Now my question stands, do I leave (again) or do I stay? That's my darkness.
I now realize that I'm just different (from those around me). Everyone around me is not like me. So what that they get a consistent paycheck and I don't?! I believe that's what their hearts desired but not mine. My heart desires more. My heart, as well as God, desires me to be great and to create that greatness for myself then help others strive for their greatness! He didn't tell me I would be sitting behind a desk, complaining everyday about how much I don't want to be back working there, being away from my children basically ALL DAY and...I can go on and on and on about how I don't want to be there but I won't.
I feel that I'm walking in the dark because I'm trying to understand what God is telling me to do. Truth of the matter is, God didn't tell me to go back to the job. I consistently prayed, cried and was sometimes upset with God about my financial situation. We must be careful what we pray for. God will definitely give us EXACTLY what we ask for and sometimes it's not even what he had in store. God's will for us is so much greater than our own. I guess we have to test him. This isn't the only thing I prayed for that I wish was easy to give back but I won't discuss that here, at least not in this topic. I'm sure it will come later down the line. When it's not God's plan to give us something and we keep asking for it and we're persistent, we get it just how it is. Not completely ready, kinda like a half baked cake. On the outside, it appears to be ready but on the inside, it's still gooey and sticky, it's still baking and it takes time to be completely done.
I tell myself everyday, God didn't desire this of me. He told me I would be great. I'm ambitious, I'm intelligent, I'm outgoing and I should do something with it! He told me me and HIM would take over the world together and we would be THAT power couple.
If you're hearing a message from the Lord, LISTEN. Just be quiet and LISTEN. He always speaks and he always knows what's best for all of us. I thought this was what he wanted me to do. I'm listening now. I'm just waiting on him to speak. I know this wasn't what he wanted for me, I'm just trying to clearly understand exactly what I need to do.
Are you walking in the dark?
*Picture courtesy of www.flickriver.com.
